@3sunzzz: *walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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@5hael: My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
@TravLeBlanc: I'm working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
@TheMichaelRock: God: One last thing before I let you in. Let's look at your Google search history. Me: I'll show myself out.
@FatherWithTwins: I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.