*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.