*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume