[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
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Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
can’t talk my ride’s here
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist