[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
You Might Also Like
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.