[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
You Might Also Like
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Breaking news:
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….