[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Google Pay be like:
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.