*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
mom gave me mine for free
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!