*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
forgive me baja for i have blast
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”