*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.