*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal