[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.