*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?