*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
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flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!