Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
You Might Also Like
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
felt that
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.