Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
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(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
boat question
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it