Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠