*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
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HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.