*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
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Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.