*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*