*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.