*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I’d hang this in my house.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.