*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
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[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
tinder is all about the long game
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.