I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
You Might Also Like
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
it’s the silliest best thing
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.