@carlyken: *walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
"Sorry. Traffic."
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
"Oh this? I found it."
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@Book_Krazy: OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL! Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
@KentWGraham: ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
@murrman5: [date smiles as I pour more wine] it's like you're trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
@UnluckyBrian: Makes eye contact with female. Medusa.
@irreligiousorg: You don't see faith healers in hospitals for the same reason you don't see psychics winning the lottery.
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