I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above