Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.