*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.