*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself