*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
You Might Also Like
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE