*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Just parrot things
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
How it started How it’s going
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Rather alarming headline…
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.