*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?