@jackiecarbajal: *walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer...
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@Howiesbookclub: Blood oranges at the farmer's market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.
@QwertyJones3: *Girl comes out in a slinky dress* ME: Ooh that looks like fun *I push her down the stairs*
@Cheeseboy22: The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
@stephenjmolloy: *after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant* Me to waiter: "Actually, do you think I could have a fork?"