*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.