@jackiecarbajal: *walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer...
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@KeetPotato: kid dressed as dog: "trick or treat" me: wife: "give him some chocolate then" me: "i don't want to kill him linda"
@iwearaonesie: *comes back with wife's purse* w: I said don't run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled? m:[bleeding] Twice
@AngelaEhh: People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you'll miss them when they're grown and gone. I like to call those people liars.
@FrogAvalanche: "Dad, I cant sleep." Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB. "Dad Im seven-" Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.