*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
definitely did not do anything wrong
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon