*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
some things should go without saying
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’