Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
When ur friends with white people
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
These aren’t even hard anymore.
oppen heimer style lol
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*