The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Aw man, but that’s the best part
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.