[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”