*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
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This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
This will never not be funny to me.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.