*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
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Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.