[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
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Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you