*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
That 👊
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized