Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
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Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
time machine? you mean a clock?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
This is my emotional support knife.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on