*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
This is my emotional support knife.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.