*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
You Might Also Like
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?