[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
This bar smells like my childhood.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk