Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”