I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
You Might Also Like
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open