why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.