Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
the icebreaker
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Holy moly