[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
You Might Also Like
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD